UK Government Announces Revolutionary New Economic Policy: “What’s Yours is Now Silicon Valley’s”

Historic move sees UK become first nation to voluntarily surrender entire creative heritage to tech billionaires in exchange for vague promises

WESTMINSTER – In a breathtaking display of economic genius that would make a Victorian mill owner weep with pride, the UK Government today announced its decision to hand over the intellectual property rights of Britain’s entire creative economy to AI companies, free of charge, in what ministers are calling “the most generous gift since we gave India back to itself.”

The policy, officially titled “Operation: Please Like Us,” will allow Big Tech companies to hoover up decades of British creativity without the tiresome burden of paying for it, because apparently copyright law is now as outdated as workers’ rights and the concept of a living wage.

Photo by Deniz Fuchidzhiev on Unsplash

“We’re absolutely thrilled to be giving away other people’s hard work,” beamed Peter Kyle MP, Secretary of State for Science, Innovation and Technology, speaking from his office decorated entirely with motivational posters featuring the word “GROWTH” in Comic Sans.

“This bold move will definitely, probably, maybe generate tremendous growth for someone, somewhere, at some point. We can’t say who, when, or how much, but we’re confident it won’t be anyone who actually created the content we’re giving away.”

When pressed for details about which specific companies would benefit from this extraordinary act of legislative charity, the minister read from a prepared statement about “synergistic innovation ecosystems” and “unlocking value propositions”.

The decision has been welcomed by AI executives worldwide, with one tech mogul commenting from his a super-yacht in Venice: “Finally, a government that understands business! Why should we pay for content when we can simply take it? It’s like Christmas, but every day, forever, and we don’t have to give presents back.”

The move represents a seismic shift in the UK’s approach to protecting its creative industries, pivoting from “How can we support artists?” to “How quickly can we feed them to the algorithm?” Sources suggest the policy was developed after a series of long lunches with AI company lobbyists, supplemented by what officials describe as “extensive research”.

British creators, meanwhile, have responded with characteristic stoicism to the news that their life’s work will now train machines to replace them. “It’s wonderful to know that my novel will help AI write better novels that will put me out of business,” said one author, weeping gently into his rejection letters. “I can’t think of a better legacy than starving to death while watching a robot plagiarise my sentences.”

Economists have hailed the move as a masterstroke of post-Brexit thinking. “By giving away valuable assets for free, we’re demonstrating that Britain doesn’t need tedious things like ‘income’ or ‘economic sovereignty,’” explained one expert. “Soon, we’ll have the most competitive creative economy in the world – competitive in the sense that it will no longer exist.”

The announcement comes as part of the government’s broader “Racing to the Bottom with Style” initiative, which has already seen successful pilots including “Give Amazon Our Tax Revenue” and “Why Regulate Tech Giants When You Can Just Ask Them Nicely to Be Good?”

Critics of the policy have been dismissed as “anti-innovation Luddites” who simply don’t understand that in the modern economy, the best way to support creators is to eliminate their ability to make money from creating things.

The new regulations will come into effect immediately, because apparently that’s how copyright law works now.

Environmental groups have also praised the policy’s commitment to sustainable development, noting that the massive data centres required to process Britain’s stolen intellectual property will create a thriving new ecosystem of drained ponds, depleted streams, and energy bills so astronomical that local residents will need to choose between heating and eating.

“It’s wonderful to see entire villages transformed into digital oases,” said one spokesperson, “where the only water left is the tears of families who can no longer afford electricity, but at least Derek and his dog got a job as a security guard at the fence.”

The government has assured concerned citizens that while their energy costs may quintuple and their local wildlife may perish from thirst, they can take comfort in knowing their sacrifice is powering the very AI systems that will eventually make their jobs obsolete. “It’s a beautiful circle of life,” explained one minister, “if by ‘life’ you mean ‘the slow death of rural communities in service of Silicon Valley’s profit margins.’”

Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change, Ed Miliband, welcomed the policy during a recent town hall, held via Zoom because the village hall had been demolished to make way for cooling towers. “Yes, your electricity bills have increased 400%, and yes, the river is now a concrete ditch, but think of the jobs! Well, job. Singular. Derek’s very grateful.” When asked about the environmental impact, Miliband noted that “at least the humming of the servers drowns out the sound of the local ecosystem dying.”

In related news, the government has announced plans to rename the Department for Culture, Media and Sport to the “Department for Cultural Strip Mining and Digital Feudalism,” because at least now they’re being honest about it.

About the UK Government:

Committed to innovation, growth, and definitely not being captured by Silicon Valley interests. Any resemblance to a wholly-owned subsidiary of Big Tech is purely coincidental.